Why 'Troll 2' is the best worst movie ever

'Troll 2' features vegan goblins and dead people with superpowers.

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We all have our own personal best worst movie ever. And though I'm sure you all have plenty of reasons why your personal favorite is indeed the best of the worst, I could give you about a million more reasons why my selection, "Troll 2," could send your movie back to the "Straight to VHS" section of Blockbuster in tears.

In 1990, "Troll 2" accomplished what only a handful of non-English speaking screenwriters and a cast with the acting talent to make Steven Seagal look like Sir Ian McKellen could do.

"Troll 2" is a movie about goblins, or, more specifically, vegetarian goblins who trick their prey into eating green goop that turns the victims into plants so they can then, of course, eat them. I think I should take the time to also point out "Troll 2" contains no trolls, nor does it have any sort of connection to the original "Troll" (a movie that didn't feature vegetarian goblins and actually made sense).

"Troll 2" begins with the suburbanite Waits family preparing for their trip to the countryside to swap houses with hillbillies living in the farm town of Nilbog because apparently that sort of vacation makes sense in whatever alternate reality produced this script. Also, you should note, in the most clever plot twist of the entire film, Nilbog is indeed "Goblin" spelt backward. This is a reality that dawns on the film's child star, Joshua, early on in the movie, to which he exclaims, "They're genius!"

Now this is where things really get good (or bad). Joshua's Grandpa Seth comes to the rescue before the Waits family eats some green goop and seals their vegetable doom. Oh, but did I mention Grandpa Seth died months before the movie begins and only comes back periodically to talk to Joshua? Well yeah, he's dead and now he comes back to tell Joshua (he's the only one who can hear Grandpa Seth, don't ask why) eating this green goop will kill his family. Grandpa Seth stops time for 30 seconds to let Joshua think of an appropriate plan of action (why dead people can stop time is beyond me). Unfortunately for us, to Joshua, an appropriate plan of action is peeing on everything. No, I am not kidding, Joshua's father reacts like any responsible parent would, rattling off a speech on why "you can't piss on hospitality" and challenging his 8-year-old son to a fasting contest (again, not kidding).

I won't give away much about the film's climax, other than it involves Grandpa Seth making another return from the dead to help his family, now surrounded by the goblin horde (in all their 3-foot tall vegan terror). But rather than stopping time or taking advantage of one of his other numerous dead-guy superpowers, Grandpa Seth does the sensible thing and hands his grandchild a Molotov cocktail to fend off the goblins. Just to be clear, that's a homemade explosive device, folks.

"Troll 2" is the kind of movie aliens would make if they came to Earth and tried to imitate human emotions and interaction. It seems like nobody has a clue as to what emotions the typical earthling would exhibit when put in certain situations, but hey, that's why I love it.

If you still don't believe "Troll 2" is the best of the worst films ever made, I have one more little tidbit for you: Joshua finally defeats the goblin horde by eating a bologna sandwich. Because the goblins are vegetarians. Because this is the best worst movie ever.

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