Stop fighting the man, go to Walmart

You want fish food? And a bike? Go here.

Walmart gets a bad reputation. People hate on it, because it exploits its employees and outsources production in foreign countries and all, but I just can't bring myself to quit shopping there.

Like most in-state students, I come from a small town — 2,000-people small. We're so small, the only thing we have to offer is a Sonic drive-in, a diner named Catrick's and lots of parties in cornfields.

Because of that, entertainment in my town is scarce. When Sonic is full, Catrick's is closed and all the cornfield parties have been busted, where is a poor country bumpkin supposed to turn to for fun? Walmart — that's where.

One might not see the appeal of Walmart, but when there's nothing to do, perusing the clearance aisle, making out in sporting goods and throwing inappropriate items in strangers' carts always provided at least 20 minutes of fun when I was in high school.

Perhaps my fondness of the establishment comes from a bit of Stockholm syndrome because I had no other choice all throughout high school, but I do not think this is the case. Walmart is unbelievably great, and those naysayers who call Walmart "Wal-Marx" or who are upset because it is anti-labor union are just jealous because they're not as awesome at exploiting capitalism to its fullest, monopolistic extent.

Why is Walmart such a successful monopoly? It gives the people what they want. Even though almost half the items in the store are probably cheaply made and unnecessary, absolutely everything you could want under the sun is in one place, unless you value quality.

Where else can you go and buy butter, a new bra, shampoo, a bicycle, fish food, a wedding ring, gasoline, paint thinner and get your tires rotated? Nowhere! Walmart is so successful because it puts everything in the same place. I don't even mind the place is so damn huge because I count a trip to Walmart as exercise for the day! Where else can you exercise and buy DVDs? Yeah, that's what I thought.

And where else can you find such high quality brands, such as Baby Phat, at such a low price? Yes, Walmart sells a Baby Phat line of jeans for around $20. Don't worry, curvy ladies — they come in plus sizes, too. Don't forget about the Miley Cyrus line, either. It doesn't matter that Walmart forgot it was a "family store" in honor of Miss Cyrus. It's outfitting 12-year olds to look like sluts. But that shit sells, and some of it is mildly acceptable.

I'm not gonna lie, I really try to go to better grocery stores. I try to support local business. I want to go to HyVee and buy quality, fresh produce. But every time I get ready to go to the grocery store, the same thing happens. I'll need some random item that a regular grocery store does not sell, such as pantyhose or an ink cartridge or a desktop monitor. So do I make two trips, driving all over Columbia and dirty the environment with the excessive gas emissions? Or do I go to Walmart and get everything I need, supporting a pretty terrible company? You decide. I already have.

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