'I love lamp' really not that funny anymore

Speaking in movie quotes is the highest form of douchebaggery.

Movies are a timeless art form perfected and redefined throughout the ages. They transport their viewers through space and time into worlds unseen and settings from the past, present and future.

A motion picture is similar to wine in that both get better with age. Lines from movies, however, are similar to Wonderbread: Both become stale and unappetizing very quickly.

If I had a nickel for every time I was asked to “Say hello to my little friend” or told, “Don’t call me Shirley,” I would be as rich as the bastards who made those stupid lines famous.

I do not care if your apartment smells of rich mahogany and you have many leather-bound books, no one can get away with speaking in movie quotes without sounding like a douche. You may think it’s sooo fetch, but believe me, it’s not.

And stop trying to make “fetch” happen.

To those who refuse to consider my argument I say, "You can't handle the truth!" Peppering a conversation with “hilarious” one-liners from movies that everyone has already seen is just a way of telling people that you can’t come up with your own comedic material. We’re not in Kansas anymore. You can’t get away with that shit here.

Life is not like a box of chocolates, guys. You always know what you’re going to get when you talk to that guy who has all 50 episodes of “Star Wars” on Blu-Ray. He’s going to do that weird finger-separating thing and say, “May the force be with you.”

It’s quite easy to discern a habitual movie-quoter from the rest of the general public. Anyone with a Y-chromosome will always and forever impersonate Ron Burgundy or Brick Tamland from “Anchorman.” The romantic saps of the world will reenact the entire screenplay of “The Notebook.” And your grandparents will without a doubt lift their drink to you once in awhile and say, “Here’s looking at you, kid.”

Now, I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse: Stop stealing trite lines from movies and think of your own funnies, and I won’t constantly throw up in my mouth.

Originality, though an intimidating word to some, is relatively easy to come by. You just have to power down the DVD player and actually witness your own life taking place rather than Bridget Jones'. Although you may consider yourself a member of Carrie Bradshaw’s entourage, the feeling isn’t mutual. They have way better shoes.

So, go ahead, make my day, and think up your own witticisms. I’m not saying this because I want to put Baby in a corner (Nobody does that); I’m saying this for the sake of your reputation. No one wants to be “that guy” who only speaks in “Monty Python” quotes.

But if no one heeds my advice, frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

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