Apocalypse 2011: the telltale signs

It might not have happened yet, but based on our observations, it’s coming soon.


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There were many times this year when religious leaders claimed that Jesus was coming back into town to end the world and all that jazz. (Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife). All of the telltale signs of the apocalypse, they said, are present, so we should probably pack our bags and put on some lipstick, because judgment day is just around the corner. Now, I might not go to church, but I’ve noticed some of these apocalyptic signs, too. Either that or Jesus has a very cruel sense of humor.

Taylor Swift wins Artist of the Year AMA over Lady Gaga, Lil Wayne, Adele and Katy Perry Where is Kanye when you need him? If we live on a planet that values T-Swift over truly talented performers like Lady Gaga and Adele (P.S. where are Nicki Minaj and J. Cole on this list?), then I gladly welcome the four horsemen of the apocalypse to knock down my door and take me away. She might have some people fooled, but not me. That sugarcoated-glitter-unicorn princess can’t stay pure and wholesome forever. Her Lindsay Lohan meltdown is fast approaching.

Steve Jobs dies The one single man on Earth who actually had his shit together is no longer with us. Really, karmic gods?! How come the guy who basically invented the future has to get pancreatic cancer? Jobs’ short life is the epitome of the cliché, “No good deed goes unpunished.” I guess this is just more motivation for the normal folk to clean up their act and get some work done. On another note, does this mean Oprah’s back on top again?

Donald Trump thinks he can run the country Dear Mr. Trump,

Haven’t you declared bankruptcy, like, four times? What do you think you would do if you ran the whole damn country? How many people did you fire on a television game show before you thought, “Hey, this is easy, running the United States of America can’t be that bad.”? Despite what the George W. Bush reelection taught us, not everybody can be president, Donald. Don’t go chasing waterfalls.

Kim Kardashian’s spectacular divorce You all knew this was coming. It just wouldn’t be a 2011 wrap-up if this weren’t on the list. Kim’s infamous 72-day marriage sort of seems like a mockery of the institution. Hell, I had kindergarten marriages that lasted longer than that. It has been rumored that the marriage was a sham and a publicity stunt, but I think we all figured that out when we learned Kris Humphries wasn’t into making sex tapes.

51-year-old man marries 16-year-old Uh. Gross. I wonder if she ever accidentally calls him “Dad.” Or “Grandpa,” since Doug Hutchinson is actually older than Courtney Stodden’s dad. On a recent clip from “The Fab Life,” Stodden described a typical day in her life as “just crazy.” She wakes up at noon, makes a mocha, and then Doug cleans up her spilled coffee beans, foundation and heels, and… oh wait, that’s it. Begging for more, America? Lucky for us, there’s more to come from the darling couple — they’re in the process of filming a reality show! May I suggest “Newlyweds: Toddlers in Tiaras Edition” as the title?

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