5. Jersey Shore/The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Sometime between its unfortunate admission to the union in 1787 and the year 2010, something went curiously, unfathomably wrong in the Garden State (including the movie "Garden State," which was perhaps the worst thing to ever happen to Earth, ever).
Where to even start? Well, the state looks like a capital letter S that, at some point in its development, decided it would rather park its gross, sleazy ass on Pennsylvania with a nice Delaware ottoman, rather than become a real, adult state. Also, Atlantic City is in New Jersey, and that's where elegance goes to die. Furthermore, its state animal is a horse. Really.
These two shows embody everything that is New Jersey.
4. Tool Academy
Tool Academy : highbrow :: Tool (band) : baby-friendly
- Keeping up with the Kardashians/Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami**
Seriously, everything about this dumb, overexposed family is both loathsome and inane (and these morons and their shows have more unnecessary K's than someone with an abundance of potassium. Zing!). They make me want to jab at my eyes with a Bic pen. Keeping Up with the Klueless has been around a while, I guess, and people watch it or something, probably in the same pathetic way people watch Anne Hathaway movies to see how naked she gets. These “celebrities” are Trash, with a crap-ital T, and proud of it, though not quite trashy enough to beat out the Hulk Hogan clan (may it rest in trashy peace).
Regardless, there's a certain refined charm to a show about two rich, snotty sisters, with overinflated senses of entitlement, one of whom is most famous for, well, "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami," and the other has no discernible talent, aside from closely resembling Mickey Rourke, leaving L.A. for another obnoxious city (but props for avoiding New Jersey, ladies!) and having sex with sleazeballs of both genders.
- Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch/The T.O. Show**
I'm on a strict word count here, so using as many words as the Cincinnati Bengals have wins, I'll describe both of the underachieving, insipid Bengals wide receivers' failing dating programs together: shameful, offensive.
- Dog the Bounty Hunter
But on the bleached-bright side, Honolulu is 5,709 miles from Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Dog, you're in the clear. But definitely not in the clean.