I have been single for 18 consecutive Valentine’s Days. Wallowing in self-pity is the easy thing to do, but it’s not suited for everyone — make sure that you get the most out of this Feb. 14.
Single and cynical: You’ve had your anti-Valentine’s speech ready to go in your head since midnight on Feb. 1, and now is the day to let it all out. Buy some roses and burn them. Find some candy hearts and crush them to smithereens. Go on an anti-love rampage and destroy any remotely romantic rubbish that stands in your path to pessimism.
Single, recent dumper: You’re strong. You’re powerful. You can crush the hearts of a thousand men with a single high heel. Today’s the day to listen to “Run the World (Girls)” by Beyonce and triumphantly parade around your room. Better yet, start a bonfire and burn all remnants of your relationship. Nothing like the smoldering ashes of old cheesy prom pictures to snuff out an old flame. Bonus: Make s’mores while you’re at it.
Single, recent dumpee: Watch “The Notebook.” Eat a box of chocolates. Cry. Repeat.
Single and hopelessly romantic: You’re alone on Valentine’s Day. Once again. Just like last year. But it’s fine. No big deal. You’re fine. Everything’s fine. Drown your sorrows in as many romantic comedies as possible. Someday your prince will come (probably not. But it’s fine. Everything’s fine).
Single and ready to mingle: Don’t be intimidated by the hordes of couples flooding the streets — Valentine’s Day is the best day of the year to find other people with commitment issues just like you. Simply walk outside and take a look around. Pinpoint the one person standing alone in terror, fearfully surrounded by other horrifyingly cute couples. You’ve found your match.
Single and picky: Alright, let’s face it: You’ve tried everything and everyone, and it’s becoming pretty clear that no one will ever be good enough. That’s exactly why you need a boyfriend pillow. The boyfriend pillow is the perfect companion — he’ll never be the huge disappointment that all of those other losers were. As one online commenter so eloquently wrote, the boyfriend pillow may only be half a man, but he’s twice the man that your ex ever was.
Single and desperate: Run out of swipes on Tinder? Try farmersonly.com. Real-life cows are way more exciting than teddy bears.
Single and loving it: Leslie Knope on NBC’s “Parks and Recreation” changed the Valentine’s Day game forever when she introduced the world to Galentine’s Day. On Feb. 13, “ladies celebrate ladies” by kicking it breakfast-style. Keep the friend love going on Feb. 14 by spending some time with your best friends. Have a movie night, bake some brownies in the microwave, make friendship bracelets, whatever floats your boat. Just because you’re single on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you have to be alone!