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The Evolution of 'Twilight'

Here's the quick refresher course you need before “Breaking Dawn – Part 2.”

Published Nov. 8, 2012

In preparation for the not-really-anticipated final installment of the "Twilight" saga, "Breaking Dawn – Part 2," it seems only fair to refresh the minds of the die-hard fans and enlighten those who have yet to experience the magic, one super-quickly summarized trailer at a time.

Twilight: love at first glare

A girl walks up to her truck having a seemingly normal day, except for, oh, this guy glaring at her from across the parking lot who's not in any rush to leave high school like a normal teenager should be. Cue heightened music and a van (the type used to kidnap small children) that comes skidding down the lot… sideways… at the girl.

But it's okay - Glaring Boy stopped it with one hand, all without ever taking the time to blink. Let's take a moment to give credit to whoever that girl is that’s playing Bella, for she was able to remain calm and unfazed even when the audience was in complete turmoil and disbelief.

And after all this… they fall in love.

Fast forward: he’s a vampire, she doesn’t care, they climb trees for fun, his family hates her and, oh yeah, this other vampire guy wants to kill her. Besides that, though she seems to be a well-adjusted teenage girl.

"New Moon": the series of attempted suicide

Look! It’s Dakota Fanning. Maybe she’ll actually give this movie some plot, but, oh no, she’s gone again, and someone just apparently died for some unknown reason.

Now Bella "knows too much" and the Volturi (some vampire council) is after her. So the only way for Glaring Boy - aka Edward - to protect her is for him to leave—and take his supernatural vampire powers with him.

Obviously, Bella’s depressed, so she does what all depressed people do: nap in the woods and ride motorcycles.

Now enters some guy with ridiculously horrible hair and big muscles who loves Bella. It is my understanding that she attracts stalkers. And even though she may or may not have tried to kill herself, that doesn’t matter because Horrible Hair Man, whose name is Jacob, is now beautiful, shirtless and has a haircut.

Now Edward’s going to try and make a “scene” by getting himself killed. Bella has to “save” him, and to top everything off, there’s a giant wolf fighting vampires. Not confusing at all.

"Eclipse": where nothing makes sense, but the fighting looks awesome

All right, let’s finally see this smack-down between Jacob and Edward. From an observational standpoint, you might not even think that Bella loves either one of them because darn that girl is a good actor!

Too bad the fight never happens because, of course, there’s a vampire army out to murder all of them (I have now come to the conclusion that this series is in fact not about love, like I had thought, but about death). At last, something more dramatic than the music.

Now Jacob and Edward are going to band together as the ultimate vampire and computer-generated wolf team to murder other vampires. Expect a lot of angry Jacob, a lot of tree falling and a lot of unanswered questions. Like what does an eclipse have to do with anything??

"Breaking Dawn - Part 1" Sex and a Baby

Just when you thought it over, it’s not. Why is it not over?

I must hand it to Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella. I thought she was amazing for portraying all emotions with one expression before this, but managing to not smile once on her character’s wedding day ... she really knows how to think outside of the box.

Oh, now they're having sex ... and more sex. And now she’s pregnant. Way to promote teenage pregnancy, Twilight! You really are an inspiration to us all. Now I’m just convinced the wedding was a cover-up, and once again this has nothing to do with love.

Later, Bella's growing a vampire baby, and the wolves want to kill the vampire baby because the baby is the only new character that the series has had in a while, and it also must face sudden death! I’m telling you guys -- the more this series continues, the more sense it makes.

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