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Destiny’s Child, Redux: How Beyoncé and Jay-Z conquered the world

The kid is actually destiny's child.

Published Sept. 2, 2011

Beyoncé broke Twitter, or at least her stomach did. And that’s not a cheap joke. According to Techland, the news that Jay-Z’s manhood had finally been validated charted as the biggest Twitter news outbreak ever. This seems somewhat easy to dismiss: "Oh it’s just Twitter… records break on there all the time, right?”

DON’T DO THAT — The gravity of this situation is monumental, or at least the implications are. Remember that crazy smorgasbord of commercialism, gladiator mentality and American values called the Super Bowl? Remember the Japan earthquake? Remember how ape-shit everyone went when it was announced Bin Laden was dead? Techland also specifically mentions the fact that B & J’s news, according to Twitter, is bigger.

None of those events touch the numbers of the Beyoncé/Jay-Z super-child-to-be.

The world banged out 8,868 tweets per second reacting to the news. Per second! Can you imagine all that info being shotgunned at you in one second? It’d actually kill you. Your brain would overload, and you’d die.

So, why do people apparently care more about the happiness of a celebrity couple than the killing of the number one guy on the FBI's Most Wanted list? Well, because they’re celebrities, but unlike your typical American “How did they get famous?” celebrity, Beyoncé and Jay actually have genuine credibility on a global level.

On one hand, Beyoncé is an internationally acclaimed pop star who somehow infinitely treads the line between drop-dead sexy and wholesome. On the other hand, Jay-Z… I mean, he’s just cool. Seriously, if you took a picture with him on that shitty camera in your cell-phone, he would still look like the most cool, collected guy on the planet. It just oozes off him. And what happens when you put those two hands together? Instant. Magnetism.

I want you to try to find someone who doesn’t like either of those people. Go ahead, search everywhere, and when you finally find that random Joe or Jill somebody, I want you to punch them in the face. But you won’t have to because everyone likes Beyoncé and Jay-Z.

And what happens when you actually put Beyoncé and Jay-Z together? When you add “1+1”? You get the most anticipated baby of all time. I mean, even if Prince William and Kate have a kid, it won’t have the hype of this baby. It won’t have the expectations of B/J’s kid either. And that’s telling, when a simple pregnancy reveal of a pop star outshines all major news and events of the last year, you get a somewhat alarming poll of what the world actually cares about. But, hey, I’m not complaining! I’m totally okay with people loving pop-culture shock.

But, um, first thing’s… well… last. What’s Jay-Z’s last name? Does anyone know Beyoncé’s? Can anyone actually give me both of their last names without immediately going to the internet and looking it up? (If you can — gold star for you).

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