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'Piranha' a masterpiece of failure

The movie relies on 3-D gimmicks to hide its inferiority but remains fun.

By Chase Koeneke

Published Sept. 3, 2010

I've been known to bash the recent inquisition of 3-D in today's film landscape. I hate "Avatar," and I hate that 3-D is being slapped onto movies after the fact to make them seem hip and with it. I also absolutely detest the idea of shelling out a bill with Andrew Jackson's face on it to take a girl on a date -- and that's not even including dinner!

But despite the profuse amounts of venom I seem to spew at all things three-dimensional, in completely uncharacteristic fashion, I like "Piranha 3-D." Actually, "like" isn't the right word. I respect "Piranha 3-D." It knows what it is: a 15-year-old boy's perverted, "Jaws"-inspired, practically soft-core pornographic exploitation extravaganza. Silly computer-generated fish, excessive gore and boobs as far as the eye can see -- "Piranha 3-D" hits all its targets with pinpoint accuracy.

Even the 3-D is ridiculous, which is just the way it should be. Things come at you and your 3-D specs almost constantly, ranging from angry fish to outboard motors-turned-chainsaws and even a severed penis. Yeah, that's right, a severed penis.

But strangely, it seems to hearken back to the gimmicky roots of 3-D film's past. Like the movies before it, "Piranha" uses 3-D as a crutch because it has nothing else to stand on. And that's exactly what it's supposed to do. If you saw the trailer for "Piranha" and thought, "This movie looks awesome," you certainly won't be disappointed because it was made especially for you, broski.

"Piranha" is simple. It's straightforward. It's in your face. It doesn't care that it has terrible, flat characters with even worse actors bringing them to life -- "life" being a relative term, of course. I've seen cardboard standees with more talent. "Piranha" doesn't care that it's set during spring break, yet released at the end of summer. It doesn't care that its biggest stars are a washed-up Jerry O'Connell, an exhausted-looking Christopher Lloyd (who to this day is still ripe for a "Back to the Future," Doc Brown-inspired comedy) and that one dude from the Sunday Night Baseball commercials. There's no steak and barely any sizzle, but somehow director Alexandre Aja has turned lead into gold, or at the very least, fool's gold.

My only real issue with "Piranha" is I have no idea how to classify it. On one hand, the film is a hilarious parody of the gimmick-ridden 3-D and monster movies that came before it. I mean, there's no way the filmmakers weren't completely self-aware with all the obvious clichés packed into this monstrosity, right? On the other hand, it might just be a cliché-packed monstrosity and nothing more. Either way, it is hilariously entertaining whether you enjoy it on the surface or if you enjoy it as a farce. Go forth and watch "Piranha 3-D" without fear of ridicule; the only disappointment you'll have is with how much you might actually like it.