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Squelching problems with the help of a shrink

Psychologists can iron out problems in your relationship.

By Lyndsey Garza

Published Aug. 27, 2010

At 20 years old, I never thought I would be sitting in a psychologist’s office pretending to read Real Simple from a stack of outdated magazines, nervously darting my eyes from the closed office door to my partner’s same anxiety-ridden stare. My heart pounded as I felt the four cups of coffee I inhaled earlier. Maybe I wanted to feel pseudo-happiness for a few, short moments before the psychologist ushered us both onto the couch of his office, took out a notepad and asked what brought us to couples counseling.

It was not as if the three years we had spent together had been tumultuous, even if we had seen the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Somewhere between the 900 miles of distance over the past year, though, we had forgotten how to communicate. I felt unconventional. Being unwed and young, I felt almost foolish for thinking our issues were worth seeking professional guidance. The results, however, changed my mind and my relationship.

Be honest. Hours before our appointment, my stomach was doing flips, and it was hard to consume anything without feeling queasy.

During the session, it is easy to feel like you can't open up fully to a complete stranger. Your instincts are understandable, though. Allowing yourself to be completely honest will allow for the psychologist to identify what the deeper issue is. Remember, you are not doing this alone. Your partner is by your side. Open up like you are talking to your partner in private. Do not be afraid to be honest about prevalent drug abuse, violence or infidelities from the past, as all these factors morph the relationship you are in.

My partner and I struggled with feeling like we were walking on eggshells around each other. Our conversations were soaked with anxiety because we were worried we would upset each other. We simply could not be real with each other.

Implement the exercises. The psychologist suggested, as a couple, we stop beating around the bush and start getting straight to the point -- which was how the other’s behavior or actions made us feel. Upon leaving the session, it was eye-opening how such an easy suggestion could mend the broken communication we had been experiencing. As a couple, we could finally recognize the surface we tended to maintain when communicating and the deeper truth we seemed to ignore. Instead of tension and anger flaring at a particular situation, we could now step back and identify the true issue at the core.

Identify and establish a goal. Know where you would like your relationship to go. If it is working toward being stable and healthy or ready to cohabitate, then admit and establish this goal with the psychologist. When the psychologist knows what your goal is, he or she can recommend daily exercises to begin the process of strengthening your relationship. The psychologist might even suggest readings to facilitate self-help while both partners are working on their union, which is especially helpful for couples struggling with a long distance relationship. Reading aloud passages or even completing worksheets over the phone can help bridge the gap or miles. Once you have a goal clear in your mind, work on a day-to-day basis. Schedule weekly or bi-weekly sessions with the psychologist, so when flare-ups occur, you can discuss them then. Work on the daily mishaps and the inner workings of your relationship will change over time.

Do not let finances deter you from finding the help your relationship needs. The MU Counseling Center offers couples counseling at a low cost, and there are a number of psychologists who offer billing straight to insurance providers and deferred payments.