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A-list actors couldn't save 'Valentine's Day'

By Thomas Leonard

Published Feb. 19, 2010

People used to think there was nothing worse than being alone on Valentine's Day, but now there is: the movie "Valentine's Day."

"Valentine's Day" is a moronic clusterfuck of A-listers and has-beens ambling around two hours of crowded clichés. But did you really expect anything else?

A far cry from "Crash," this exercise in intersecting stories shows the lives of 30 or so city dwellers of all shapes and sizes intermingling on one magical Feb. 14.

This money-hungry ploy, from "Pretty Woman" director Garry Marshall, sports an ensemble cast ranging from Kathy Bates to Taylor Swift to George Lopez, shamelessly covering every possible base to make everyone happy on Valentine's Day.

And what's wrong with that? Yes, I'm all for an equal opportunity cheese-fest, but Marshall tosses in so many characters and subplots that every player (even if an Oscar-winner) is diluted to a snapshot stereotype. Don't like one of the actors? Don't worry — the revolving door of stars will turn and smack you in the face with another if you wait just two minutes.

But if stereotypes are up your alley, look no further than the movie's offensive supporting cast. "Valentine's Day" is crowded with unnecessarily distasteful humor at the expense of Asians and even a handicapped child.

This lowbrow attempt at humor elicited only fewer laughs than the incompetent, wildly miscast Taylor Swift. Her awkwardly forced dialogue was the only thing more cringe-worthy than the cheap-shot immigrant jokes. It'll really make you wonder how mindless entertainment can be so mindless and so unentertaining.

There are some near-redeeming moments, mostly contained to a charming plane ride between Bradley Cooper and homeward-bound soldier Julia Roberts. In a few stolen moments, Roberts flashes her acting chops and establishes a quiet intimacy that seems otherwise impossible in this dizzying array of vignettes.

Unfortunately, high compliments can't be paid to the other stories. Some are cute (Topher Grace as a sweet and innocent Midwesterner pining for go-getter Anne Hathaway), some are endearing (adorable grade-schooler Bryce Robinson hopes to impress Valentine with a dozen roses), but even these are so irritatingly condensed that it makes it hard to feel the love.

That's exactly (and ironically) what's missing from "Valentine's Day" — real love. There are socks I've felt more attachment to than these cookie-cutter characters. And the movie's asinine look at love (it's out there, probably...) says nothing charming, interesting or reassuring about romance.

Some of the most enduring romantic comedies aren't exactly uplifting ("Annie Hall," for example), but they're brutally honest and heartfelt meditations on what it means to love someone. This drivel doesn't seem to know what love is — the characters fall in and out of it so quickly, it seems none of them really loved each other in the first place.

It just goes to show Hollywood romance is like a box of chocolates — some candy-coated rom-com goodness can be a real treat, but a whole assortment of gooey, sticky mush is only good for a stomachache.

"Valentine's Day" is the antithesis of moderation: too much of a bad thing. And with all the romance and fun of a Feb. 15 toothache, you and yours will surely fare better on the couch with "When Harry Met Sally." Cupid's orders.