» Column:

Revenge is a dish best served to cheaters

By Lyndsey Garza

Published Oct. 8, 2010

You can get revenge on your lying, cheating, cold, dead-beating, two-timing and double-dealing partner without taking a golf club to his or her car. These sneaky ideas will not only make him or her swell with remorse, but will free you from the thought that actually, he or she could do better than you.

You could concoct itching powder to douse your ex's sock and underwear drawer with. To make sure he or she itches with filth and guilt, instructables.com suggests buying or scavenging for maple seeds (make sure they are dry and clean), cut away the hard part of the seed shell and crush the feather-like shavings until they are powder consistency. If you are running short on time, substitute hot chili powder. Sprinkle and sigh with naughty mischief and delight as the jerk itches.

Or, bake your ex a delectable batch of laxative cookies, brownies or cakes. After all, no one can resist baked goods, and after you are finished, he or she will not be able to risk leaving the bathroom.

Before you go Carrie Underwood on his or her ass, just slip a few cans of opened anchovies underneath his or her car seats while he or she sleeps peacefully in your bed. And, yes, maybe the liar will think before the next time he or she cheats.

If your ex left his or her cell phone in harm’s way, it is your duty to change his or her voicemail.

“Sorry, I am currently not available,” you could say. “I am trying to get a fix for my case of gonorrhea. Please leave me a message, thanks.”

That should be sufficient for when the other lover gives him or her a ring.

If you share space with your promiscuous partner, help invigorate the economy and sell a few of his or her prized, collectible, you-cannot-buy-this-anywhere personal items on eBay. The company has "buy now" options for vendors like yourself, so dare to set the price at under a dollar. If eBay is not a speedy fix, Craigslist has a free section for you to post your partner's entire movie collection or plasma television.

Do your lover a favor and go ahead and post his or her info on the casual encounters section of Craigslist while you are posting his or her prized possessions. Snag a fitting photo, list your partner's best talents and post his or her number. Stick around for the first phone calls too; watching the caller recite the personal advertisements back is half the fun.

During the harsh winters of Missouri, it is always key to stay warm. If he or she has left a number of clothing items, as well as gifts or personal items in your possession, take charge of your warmth, invite your friends over and have a seasonal bonfire. Skip the firewood: You should have enough flammable material to fuel that blaze. Make it ceremonious and make it fun. After all, revenge on a cheater is the most mischievous fun one can have.