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Unfilmable, unnecessary, unwatchable 'Watchmen'

The movie fills the screen with blue penises, explosions and CGI.

Published March 10, 2009

The 21st century has finally found its first definitive movie. And against all odds, too. You see, like the advance press has reminded us so many times, "Watchmen" was supposed to be unfilmable.

Alan Moore's 1980s graphic novel -- which, according to the trailer shown before every movie since last July, is the most "celebrated" graphic novel of all time -- was supposed to be too complex, too dark and just too damn long for the multiplexes. Many have tried to adapt it, and just as many have failed. But none of these people were genius/auteur/goddamn legend Zack Snyder.

Yes, conspiring with Warner Brothers, Paramount Pictures and Legendary Pictures, the "visionary" director, famous for his oh so faithfully adapted film version of "300," has now, get this, not only filmed the unfilmable "Watchmen" but also done so even more faithfully than "300." But Snyder hasn't just done the impossible -- he's also made the new century's first perfect movie. Here's how:

First, and most simply, "Watchmen" meets all the criteria of a modern Hollywood blockbuster. Not originally written for the screen? Check. If not originally written for the screen, originally a comic book or graphic novel? Check. Not conceived in any way by those adapting it? Check.

But this is not where "Watchmen" breaks new ground. Where Snyder does that is in how he's managed to combine Hollywood's desperate need for non-original source material with the ability of "Watchmen" to not be famous until its trailer was shown before "The Dark Knight" last summer. He has created the perfect storm, a non-original Hollywood idea with a non-famous source.

In other words, "Watchmen" falls under Hollywood's rigid list of acceptable types of blockbusters -- sequel, remake, comic book/graphic novel adaptation, biopic of world-famous figure -- while still managing to seem new and fresh since no one outside of a Comic-Con convention knew what the fuck "Watchmen" was. Of course, this perfect scenario presented just one problem— no one outside of a Comic-Con knew what the fuck "Watchmen" was.

What to do? Through seemingly the largest marketing blitz of all time, make us know it. Show "Watchmen" trailers before everything from "Role Models" to "Frost/Nixon" so that by the time it comes out it will seem as if it has been ubiquitous forever. Make us feel ashamed for never caring about yet another dumb comic book where a bunch of disparate heroes run around New York City saving the world and exchanging barbs.

So not only has Snyder adapted a non-original idea to the big screen (one also never intended for the big screen), he has also eliminated the need for any previous knowledge of his non-original story's story, because that's what all the trailers are for, dummy! We might not have known just what the fuck "Watchmen" was last summer, but by March 6 we all felt like we had eaten, slept and showered with it.

Who would have time to figure out why that one dude's face looks like Jackson Pollock puked on a chalkboard or why that one dude's penis is blue, glowing and showing, anyway? But all this is second fiddle compared to what Snyder actually accomplishes on screen.

Obviously, it wasn't just through its conception and marketing that Snyder and co. made the perfect 21st century movie. Most importantly, Snyder has recognized movies are best when we don't have to worry about relating to or empathizing with the people we see on screen. Boring! It's the goddamned explosions, damn it! And the masks! And the dudes with cigars! And the dudes with deep voices saying vaguely philosophical things!

Snyder knows to get straight to the goods: explosions, boobs, graphic violence, conspiracies, catchphrases and CGI.

We don't need any real stinkin' actors on screen as long as we've got CGI and tropes. And oh, the CGI. Thank you for the CGI. I had grown so tired of watching real people and seeing real places, things and sets in the movies. How burdensome! Thankfully, Snyder's movie cuts through all this red tape.

"Watchmen" doesn't need actors acting. It doesn't need human faces emoting. It doesn't need non-computerized sets. It just needs holes catch-phrasing where faces usually are and places blue-penis-glowing where pants usually are. And CGI.

Now admittedly, Snyder is just bravely picking up where many other pioneers have left off before. There have been plenty of "visionaries" who have recognized that real actors acting and relatable situations and emotions slow down movies and ruin all the CGI. He's not the first one to try to phase these nuisances out. What the hell do you think George Lucas has been trying to do for the last 30 years? And, indeed, "Watchmen" owes a debt of gratitude to the second "Star Wars" trilogy, "Alien vs. Predator" and Gollum. Snyder is just the one to most thoroughly and most triumphantly see his vision through.

Before "Watchmen" was released, the trailer made us know it was the film we needed. Now that it's finally here, we know it's the one we've long deserved. No more actors, no more emotions -- just a washed out, cold, cacophonous shell where the magic of moviemaking and storytelling used to be a long-ass boring time ago.