Keep this V-Day cheap and pleasurable
Published Feb. 10, 2009
Hearts, chocolate, diamonds, $100 dinners, flowers, cards, candles, stuffed animals and forced intimacy. Fuck me sideways, Valentine's Day has arrived.
I couldn't be less thrilled -- and I have a boyfriend whom I absolutely love! I am the target consumer for all of the things you are supposed to buy for your significant other, and I am not doing any of it.
Alex and I had a chat the other day, and we decided to skip the insanely expensive frilly gifts and rituals and spend the money on a fabulous trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, during spring break. Instead of the unnatural amount of shit expected in one day, we will be making a fabulous dinner and boning all night. We will be having lasagna, apple pie (no pun intended), cheap wine and orgasms galore -- all for under $20.
If you are going steady, or dating someone like me, I suggest doing something on the cheap. In this economy, no one needs to be spending money on a teddy bear bigger than you that sings and takes up half the bed. That naughty bear can't love you or screw you. Spend that money on an extra bottle of wine, whipped cream in a can or a fun new sex toy for you to experiment with. A fun beginner toy for girls is the "bullet." It sounds scary, but it is reasonably PG. The "bullet" is just a small egg-shaped vibrator. It can be used with a partner or for masturbation. I've never been able to get off doing doggie style, but I can get there with my little friend.
If you find yourself without a mate on the big day, there is plenty of fun to be had. Treat yourself to a new sex toy or porno and spend the morning/afternoon pleasuring yourself -- at least you have a guarantee that you will be getting off (probably multiple times). There also won't be some dude trying to penetrate your inner thigh. Go out with your friends for dinner and order a bottle of wine with one glass. After dinner, go out and get shitty drunk, maybe even find a sexy stranger to give you a nice nightcap. You don't need to be dating someone to bone on this holiday. If someone calls you a skank, just tell them that the day is a free space.
Another thing: don't forget about mom and grandma. They probably have a more traditional view of the holiday and don't think buying a new sex toy or fucking a stranger is a proper way to celebrate. So instead, send them a card.
And to Alex and all of the other lovers out there, you can continue to bring flowers for no reason at all -- not because a silly Hallmark holiday requires a dozen roses. I'd choose you over my bullet any day. Happy Valentine's Day, Columbia, and remember to keep it inexpensive, fun and always pleasurable.