Column:
Sloppy seconds can make things awkward
Three's a crowd.
Published Oct. 2, 2009
Friendships are relationships we form with people like us. It makes sense. Girls like girls with similar interests, beliefs, attitudes and experiences who think like us and react like us. These fundamental similarities tie us together despite our differences.
We're all a little boy-crazy, but Tina likes the jocks and Therese likes the sensitive musical guys. We all like to party, but Molly likes to giggle in a corner and Hilary likes to be on the bar. We all like to shop, but our shopping bags are never identical. It's a beautiful thing.
Maybe these similarities can explain the infamous BFF hook up — that magical little situation when our guys move on and they don't go too far. Whatever the explanation, there's just something about our guy all over our BFF that just gets to us. Do they have the positive qualities we have and then some? Are they the better version of us? The iPhone to my landline? The Facebook to my MySpace? The Gucci to my Coach?
Obviously the severity of the situation depends on the former status of the guy and the nature of the encounter. There is no black and white. All "cheating" is not the same and context always has to be taken into account.
But whether he was a hook up or an ex, the thoughts we have are the same. Even if you are cool about it, you still can't help feeling like you're suddenly on the bench watching someone else play your game and your competitive edge comes out. Was she better than me? Could she keep his attention longer than I could? Do they lie in bed and laugh about how funny it is he unfortunately stumbled upon the scrub of a best friend first? No matter how severe the situation or not, how low-key and nonchalant, whether we're pissed about it, upset or don't really care, there is an inherent weirdness surrounding the situation that we can't seem to shake.
I mean, I know that for him there will always be other girls before me and others after me, but why plague me with bizarre images and situations involving you, me and my BFF? No, thank you.
We are raised to value friendships over relationships with guys (thanks, "Chicks Before Dicks"), but this poses a serious problem. Instinctively, I've hopped on the side of the best friends, thinking I didn't really have the right to be mad and that the guys should know better, the guys are wrong, the guys are out of control. But what about the girls, shouldn't they know better? After all, they are the ones in the middle, supposedly on our side. How did they get exempt from the awkwardness?
And sometimes yes, we might want to throw a drink in his face or cry about our inadequacy with Ben and Jerry in a moment of weakness, but the only thing we can do is grin and bear it. We can't compare ourselves or go crazy, or have a meltdown. We just need to learn from our own mistakes, get our confidence back and stand in our little glass houses not throwing stones. But after all that forgiving, forgetting, supporting and moving on, the fact of the matter is and always will be: It's just weird.