Column: Finding intimacy in sex

By Danielle Moser
Sept. 30, 2008

If I had a nickel for every time I have heard the phrase "git'r done" in reference to an imminent intimate encounter, I would have quite the nickel collection. This worries me.

I'm worried about us. I'm worried about our generation and our relationships. The instant gratification given to us by pop culture and pornography has bolstered the misconception that foreplay and intimacy are negligible and easily omitted components of our intimate relationships. Foreplay and intimacy: if you are not familiar with these terms, please do yourself favor and grab a dictionary before you continue reading.

To show you how to do things right we will outline what you have been doing wrong all along. First off, how do you view sex? Is it fast food or a sit-down, all-evening affair? A good sexual encounter should be like the longest, most fancy, delicious meal you have ever enjoyed. Being intimate doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship, though that may help. You must know your partner and trust him or her fully enough to share the closeness that good sex requires. For obvious reasons, love is also an important factor in "making love."

The beauty of making love is in decreasing the awkwardness that might occur in faster, "quickie" sex. In making love, every time should feel like the first time. It should be magical and exciting. It should be slow and amorous. But most of all it should have no conditions, expectations, time frame or goals.

Did you read that right? I said: no goals. Orgasm should not be a goal in making love because if you are only aiming to achieve that end, you might forget about the importance of foreplay and retaining the intimacy of the moment.

Foreplay. Did you look it up? The New Oxford American Dictionary defines foreplay as "the sexual activity that precedes intercourse." I define foreplay as everything you have to do before all of the clothes are off. Why do you have to? "Because I said so," will suffice for now, and when you are the king or queen of lovemaking, you will thank me. Some verbs that will help you out in foreplay include, but are not limited to: kissing, caressing, massaging and just making sure your partner feels and enjoys every slow, sweet moment you can offer.

The removal of clothing in a slow, unhurried fashion is acceptable as you near the end of foreplay, and be sure to keep the pace the same as the no-pants dance carries on. Now as I am neither Penthouse nor Hustler, you may ad-lib from there. I have confidence in you. You will not fail, because in making love, the only true goal is intimacy. Intimacy and making that true human connection are what so many of us lack and chase after in our daily lives, so when you finally have the chance to reach those levels, don't hold back. Take it in. Make love.