The first-timer's guide to getting it on
Published Sept. 2, 2008
It is your worst nightmare. You are a virgin in college. And sadly, I'm not talking in the metaphorical "you" when I really mean "me."
I mean you.
You have watched it on television, seen it in movies and most likely downloaded 97 hours worth of it off of the Internet, but it has never been as close to you as it is now. Your roommate sexiles you. You hear the rhythmic squeaking coming from that horny chick's room down the hall every time you walk by. You caught that guy you sit next to in English doing it in the stairwell. Everyone seems to be doing it, and unless you're waiting until marriage or epic love, it's coming for you next.
Do not panic.
Panicking about this and holing yourself up in your room with your 97 hours of animated porno will not improve your situation. Go to parties. Meet people. Do not get schwasted. We're on a mission, remember? Have conversations where you let it slip that maybe you've never experienced the no-pants dance. Even though it's nothing to be ashamed of, don't spread it around like you're proud of it. There's definitely a certain novelty that goes along with being a virgin. It will most certainly attract some attention your way.
When you've selected the person you're going to lose it to, do not jump into bed right away and especially not under the influence. Remember you are on a college campus. People get around and people will lie about getting around in order to get it on with you. Flattering as that may be, remember that while an orgasm might last 12 seconds, herpes lasts a lifetime.
Get to know the person you've selected. Become friends. Make out. Mutual masturbation is acceptable and a general precursor to bumping uglies. When you've finally had that serious talk about romantic and sexual histories, go buy condoms. I don't care who you are or whom you're into, you should always have condoms. Used correctly, they can effectively protect against pregnancy and some STDs.
Purchased your rubber gloves of love but still a little anxious? Scared about not knowing how to pleasure your partner? Go online. Look at pictures of the vagina to see exactly where the clitoris is or check out sites to see where the male erogenous zones are. Go read other sex columns to get a sense of acceptable pressure and pacing. Arm yourself with knowledge, but don't get too sidetracked watching porno again. We still have a mission.
Are you ready? It's a serious question, and one that should be asked before anything gets put in anywhere. Consent. A definitive "yes" is the only ticket to riding bareback. A hesitant "yes," an "I guess," and most of all, an "I'm not 18 yet. Is that a problem?" are all equal to no, do not pass go, no way, Jose. But if you hear that definitive "yes," then congratulations, my friend. Get it on.
A warning to first-timers: Things are about to get really awkward. You've heard it before, but no first time is perfect. The important things to remember are to take your time, communicate and that practice makes perfect.
