Column:
This is the last time
Published May 7, 2008
Unfortunately, I have to start with bad news. This will be my last sex column. I know. Save the tears for later. My objective was to entertain and educate. Ultimately, I wanted you to have a better sex life, and I hope some of my columns have assisted you. So what do I write for the last column? I will give overall sex tips to make sure you have something to remember me by.
Sex Tip #1: Do give head. Let me tell you something. Do not be scared to put your mouth on places that don’t see the light. Think of it as preparing for something that’s so much bigger than you. Ladies, if you do this in the beginning of the sex act, I suggest you don’t do it until he’s done. Then his ass might not get it back up, and you will go to sleep mad as hell. Lick his stick like you are auditioning for Lil Wayne’s video “Lollipop Part 2.” Fellas, the wonderful thing about ladies is that we are multi-orgasmic (if only you were so blessed). You can lick us until we do, because our stuff will still work afterward. When you get done with her, y’all should have to change the sheets because she messed up the bed.
Sex Tip #2: Never underestimate your teammate. This act is the ultimate test of teamwork, because you both are working for one major goal: to leave each other pleased. Never assume that what the other gives you is all he or she has. As soon as you do, when your partner springs something new on yo’ ass, you’ll be looking dumb. When the other feels the need to make your sex life a little spicier, come back with something spicier. Here is an example: He comes to bed with a dildo and wants to watch you use it. After you use that thing like you are trying to impress a porn director, go to Barnes and Noble and buy Zane’s “The Sex Chronicles.” I can say you will not look at sex the same after you read this book. Once one of the partners in the relationship brings some of the ideas from this book to bed, I guarantee there will be no complaints, only marriage proposals.
Sex Tip #3: Don’t forget the other parts that make a relationship successful. The sex in a relationship is only a small portion. OK, I’m lying, maybe 45 percent of one. And if the sex is the bomb, it makes up for about 65 percent of a relationship. I say 65 percent because that’s something that you can count on. If you have a fight, good sex will make you forget what the hell you were arguing about. And, next to a shower, bomb sex is just a good way to the end the day. Hell, if you can put the two together, fantastic. Remember the reasons why you are with that person in the first place. Once you identify them, start to appreciate him or her and the other will do the same for you. Go out to eat sometimes, or go do something fun, such as going to an arcade. Staying cooped up in the bed is always fun, but try to do something that doesn’t involve duct tape or peanut butter.
I must say, writing this last column is slowly but surely opening a hole in my heart. I have enjoyed my readers and welcomed the haters. I hope you guys have a sex-filled, sun-loving summer. I know I will. Always remember to wrap it up.
Keep in mind: “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” —Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. Holla.