Column:
Rethinking shallow sex
Published Nov. 11, 2008
Why the hell do we put ourselves through torture if both parties know that the outcome is going to be shallow sex?
I haven't done this mating ritual in a while; my boyfriend fucks me and sucks me as much as I want. The perfect penis is at my disposal. In my single days it was an embarrassing reality if I wanted to get laid. I would deck myself out in my sluttiest gear and hit the town, or in my freshman days, the nearest fraternity house. I would inevitably find some non-gentleman who was on my level of shabby morals and an overactive libido. I drank to a point where I could handle the painful conversation we were having, could convince myself that this guy was decent and that this one-night stand was the best option for curing my ravenous sexual appetite - it usually was.
I had a roommate last year that took this principle to an uncomfortable level. She would have one-week stands with a new random guy who would only come around after dark. She convinced herself each time that her flavor of the week was perfect for her and they would soon be an item. The same pathetic speech she gave us became annoying fast because I knew I would hear it again the following week. I could have respected her actions if she would have just said that she enjoyed having a different cock inside of her every Sunday at midnight.
Shallow sex doesn't have to involve one-night stands. It can also happen with fuck buddies. Take my other roommate, for example. She has been fucking the same loser for months. By loser I don't mean some poser who skips class to get baked. I am talking a 30-year-old with kids, no car, no real job, nothing to offer besides his cock - and he's a self-proclaimed schizophrenic. I don't think she finds anything appealing about this guy besides the rough, angry sex they have together. She puts up with hell to bone this guy, even a string of paper plates he left on her car with messages on them. He must be a porn star in the sack for her to put up with the shenanigans - all in the name of shallow sex.
I think you all should cut the bullshit. You know you don't care what your one-night stand's major is, where he or she is from or what his or her favorite color is. The only valuable piece of information this person can offer you is how many times you will be coming later. Instead of the pointless repartee, why not just say, "Hi, I'm (insert your name). I'd like to have sex with you tonight, and I'm not interested in anything further than that. Is that something you might be interested in?" This could save you from uncomfortably ignoring desperate and creepy text messages the next few days.
If you are interested in having a fuck buddy on speed dial, make sure the rules are clear. Decide if you two want to be fuck-exclusive or if you would like to have sex with other people as well. Having a monogamous fuck buddy can be beneficial for keeping your partner number low and avoiding STDs. Most of all, don't be nervous. We are in college. We invented promiscuity, and the person you want to sex you up probably wants some shallow action as well. Happy boning, Mizzou.
