Three's company

By Katie Sarreshteh
Oct. 28, 2008

My boyfriend's birthday was last week, and I bought him a bunch of rad gifts, but one special gift was lacking: a threesome. He didn't ask for one, but I thought it was genius and superhot.

There are two different kinds of three-way: the kind you do with your significant other and a guest star or the kind you do with all single parties and no rules, boundaries or feelings (that also usually involve a ridiculous amount of hard liquor).

I have had the single gal's threesome, and it was atrocious. Instead of having a normal rebound fuck after I had my heart broken, I had a drunken threesome with a friend and a guy from my Spanish class. Terrible doesn't begin to describe this poor excuse for sex. He clearly couldn't handle one girl in bed, let alone two. I don't think he could have found my clit with a GPS navigator, and I'm sure he was trying to penetrate my inner thigh with his miniscule penis. My friend and I left the next day laughing. I'm sure he heard us. Didn't mean to offend you Mr. Español, but you deserved it.

A threesome is a lucky opportunity for a guy or girl that doesn't come around every day. My stand-in was a complete disappointment.

The couple's threesome is a different breed. It usually involves a few rules. I wanted a girl to join us, but not for him to actually have sex with her. She could suck his balls while I sucked his dick and he could watch us go down on each other. And yes, I wanted it to be a girl. Two dicks and one vagina imply some sort of double penetration act. No thank you.

The reason my big plan failed was because I failed to find a girl suitable for helping me suck my boyfriend's balls. Unfortunately, there isn't a Facebook for potential guest stars complete with pictures, background checks and a copy of his or her most recent STD screening. Friends were automatically out. That would just be too awkward. I thought about the Internet but pussied out. With my luck, I would end up with a redhead from Kansas with a FUPA who wants to pee on me. Then, I thought that I could go out to the bars and pick one out of the crowd. That was fucked. What was I supposed to say? "Hey, you're cute. Want to go back to my place and go down on me in front of my boyfriend? His birthday is coming up." I don't know how to pick up chicks.

I asked a few friends what I should do, but they couldn't think of anything past Craigslist.

For those of you looking for guest stars, I suggest growing a set and asking a sexy stranger - buy them a round or two to break the ice. Another option is to do it with a friend of a friend, someone who you see around and throw up the half wave to. Chances are, this person's number is not in your phone, and you are probably Facebook friends. Other people can vouch that this potential lover is no psycho but is still pretty rad at boning.

My lover didn't get a threesome, but he did get a long backrub and tons of wild sweaty sex with me. On the day of his celebration, I handcuffed him and screwed him silly. I'm still on the prowl for the perfect threesome guest star, as Christmas is right around the corner. Any ladies interested?

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