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The best of Business Loop 70

Published Oct. 28, 2008

Meditations on the Business Loop

What in God's name is it? On the stretch of road with forlorn restaurants and dead motels is a veritable goldmine of all things delicious, quirky and obscene. It's an amalgamation of fantastically dissimilar storefronts - locally owned, chained to their foundations by time and grot. A testament to all things town-y and local, far-removed from what has (officially, sarcastically, scornfully) become known as "The District." It's a color that's distinct and that can be found in every small town.

How to approach the BL? Approaching the BL is like approaching the opposite sex. It requires hesitation because only douchebags dive right in without a second thought. It requires some sense of modesty because you don't know it nearly as well as you think you do. It requires dedication and fidelity that only arise with the passage of time. And it doesn't like it when you brag to your friends and co-workers about how far you got inside it. It might appear to be flattered, but honestly, it's probably pissed.

Is the Business Loop a beautiful thing? Well, it's an acquired taste. But it's a necessary experience if you intend to spend four years of your life here. Or, at the very least, you could get wasted and then forget about it. It's just like your mother and a whole host of Little League and teenage soccer coaches told you following having your ass handed to you as the goalie picked his nose and ate it - at least you tried.

A note to you, the one person who will actually venture out and sample some of these featured businesses for yourself: Don't do it all at once. Take your time. Savor it. And remember that even if you don't get to it all, it'll still be there tomorrow.

The Best of the Business Loop

Best Place to Find Giggles and Dirty Old Men, Hot Under the Collar for Pregger Porn: Passions

Reason to Go: Well, I think the most compelling reason can be expressed simply by mentioning the names of some available items: Stripper Pole in a Can, a blow-up doll by the name of Bertha and Cougar Porn - I don't know what this is, but if anyone knows, please let me know. On second thought, no. Please do not.

Best Deal: Unless you're actually going there with something in mind - and shame on you, say your prayers - probably one of the cheapest and most innocuous items in the store is to be found on the rack of birthday cards that don't have much to do with birthdays. They're just a few bucks and you can pretend that's what you came in for, not just to giggle at the orifice obstructing "items." They also sell genital cake tins.

Best/Cheapest Tacos: Carlito's

Reason to Go: Carlito's doesn't seem like it should have a drive-through. But it does. And it has 99-cent tacos that are so good they'll blow your effing mind all over the "tropical" décor (there are, and I kid you not, images of a beach scene on one of the walls: palm trees, blue skies and white sands, etc.).

Best Deal: Without a doubt, the $5.90 I spent for six carnitas tacos was my best expenditure of the semester.

Best Fast Food: Mugs Up

Reason to Go: Tucked back behind a down-home cookery, Mugs Up doesn't really appear to be open, structurally sound, etc. But I can assure you that since 1955, this family owned classic drive-in has been stuffing the fine people of Columbia with hot, succulent burgers and foamy root beer floats so good that you won't even give a damn about your rapidly congealing circulatory system. However, seeing as Mugs Up will be closing for the season on Nov. 1, be sure you go in the next few days or so, or you'll be waiting until February or March (it's subject to the weather, I'm told).

Best Drink Specials: Thirsty Turtle

Reason to Go: Contrary to what the almost embarrassingly cheesy commercials would have you believe (hot babes, animated turtles), Thirsty Turtle has some of the best deals for booze on the Business Loop. OK, so they have them on Wednesday. But still, with a price set at $1.50 for virtually any draft on tap, why are you complaining?

Best Discount Bling/Hip-Hop Clothing: New York Fashion

Unlike many of storefronts along the Business Loop, there's no question that New York Fashion is open for business. There's a banner for Enyce and the walls are covered in a blanket of T-shirts and neon-green signs advertising 50 percent discounts off apparel. Originally located in the Columbia Mall, the relatively new arrival to the BL doesn't quite have the same foot traffic it once did, but with the number of sales that are in constant effect, we certainly hope it sticks around for years to come.

Best Deal: Anything. Subject to change based on the sales.

Thoughts of Death on the Business Loop

The Business Loop is all about conditional existence. The amount of excitement that you harbor for a specific location is inversely proportional to the likelihood that the goddamn place is actually open. Now, this might not hold true in all cases (or the majority of them, for that matter), but it certainly seemed to be the case as MOVE swung by some of our favorites we had originally hoped to feature.

That being said, we've included below a list of the places we had originally hoped to feature, but they're dead. Or closed for the season. Or their continued existence is questionable at best:

Salvation Army - Status: Closed

"Please Do Not Leave Donations ... Dumping Is Illegal" These letters are scrawled in black ink on large pieces of worn cardboard. The entrances blocked with makeshift barriers of string and what appear to be old, oxidized iron bed frames. Although clothes continue to hang in the window, it's pretty clear that they're not going to be sold anytime soon.

Beloved Brew - Status: Closed

Hardly more than a shack in the middle of an asphalt parking lot, BB's existence was probably subject to question anyway, but the rather cryptic note below the serving window says they're no longer serving coffee, beloved or otherwise.

Tropical Sno - Status: Closed for the season (reopens March 2009).

With somewhere in the realm of 125 flavors that include the likes of Polynesian Pineapple, Volcano and Bart Simpson, Tropical Sno is a sure winner. Too bad you'll have to wait till next year to try it.

Deco-Retro - Status: Questionable

It is essentially the epitome of the Business Loop business. There are racks and shelves of teapots, gaudy-looking furs and martini glasses, and it's 5 p.m. and the doors are locked and there's not a sign of human activity (with the exception that only human hands could have accumulated and stacked the goods). But there's probably a 50/50 chance it's not actually open. We later found out that it is indeed open, but call ahead.

History of the BL

It would be wrong, or at least mildly presumptuous to say the Business Loop has always been like it is today, a stone unmoved with skyscrapers and other shit going up around it. Back in the '30s - which, for our purposes here will serve as the beginning of all creation and time seeing as that's the first Columbia City Directory available at the Boone County Public Library - the Business Loop was U.S. Highway 40. While the downtown area was home to professional buildings and landmarks that have persisted even to today, 40 was lined cafés, residential homes for coal dealers and truck drivers, any number of mechanics and garages and various service stops for oil and maintenance. The Memorial Park Cemetery - a place that, yes, still exists - was around that time as well, but the dead don't change much anyway, so we'll ignore them for more exciting things.

Sometime in the early '60s, U.S. Highway 40 officially became known as the Business Loop 70. (Note: It's the "early '60s" because the city directory volumes between '58 and '61 apparently do not exist.) The next 30 years saw a considerable growth in population, beginning with 31,736 in 1951 to 75,000 in 1981 (student population included). While some familiar names have persisted through the years - Empire Roller Rink, Arrow Head Hotel and Dairy Queen to name a few - stability isn't necessarily the first word that comes to mind when describing the commerce on the Business Loop.

Since that time, businesses have risen and crumpled behind blank storefronts. And it could probably be argued either way that change has been for good or for bad. You might be disappointed to see the Hobby Horse Tackle Shop fall and Regina's Cabaret rise. Or maybe you held a protest. You either go one way or the other on those sorts of things, I suppose.

The Business Loop is a mutt, to put it simply. There are the established pedigrees that date back half a century, then there are mutants that have been borne of fast-food oil and poor planning that come and go as the years go by, that look for their niche with varying degrees of success. It's a stretch of road in Anywhere, America, and it's all Columbia's own.