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Paradoxical Rant

Well, it only took hooking up with six random guys for me to realize…

I’m worth more than just the promise of a text. I’m worth more than someone who “thinks” they know me after one encounter. I deserve someone who remembers my name – not because we kissed but because he enjoyed my company. I deserve someone who won’t just tell me what I want to hear. I deserve someone who goes out of his way to make my day a little nicer. I’m worth more than grinding on the dance floor. I’m worth more than mindless, heartless interactions. I deserve someone who wakes up in the morning with me on his mind (and who falls asleep with me in his heart). I deserve someone who openly acknowledges and recognizes my worth. I deserve someone who will want to be with me longer than just one dance, just one kiss, just one night. I deserve someone who deserves me.

Now I’m not saying this lucky guy should kiss the ground I walk on literally, but I do love myself. I know what I’m worth. Does he?

I made this list on November 4, 2012. Three months later, except for the addition of one more boy in my hookup history, nothing has changed. I’m still wrought with the same confusion, the same conflicts, the same drama.

Only now, I’ve realized my problem is not just being worth more than a hookup, it’s that I don’t always convey to people I know my worth.

I’m a walking paradox.

I like to dance on chairs, tables, raised platforms, etc. On the surface, you could see a party girl who is having too much fun. But, if you knew me, you would know I dance all the time, I’ve been dancing since I was six and I love being the center of attention. So, dancing on my pedestal instead of just standing there is more fun sometimes. (Or not.)

I like to kiss boys. Sue me. It’s fun to meet a cute guy, have him get close to you, be electrified by every insignificant touch leading up to the kiss. It’s why I love rom-coms: the buildup, the work. But that doesn’t mean I want to do it all the time. Sometimes, if I meet a cute guy at a party, I just want to dance with them, get to know them and simply have a successful interaction with a male. Is that too much to ask?

I’m a practicing Catholic. I’m that girl who goes out on Saturday night, does the aforementioned activities and then goes to church on Sunday. I’m no “Bible-beater,” but I did go to an all-girl, private Catholic high school.

So, guys: With all these mixed signals coming at you, it’s not entirely your fault you don’t know what I want. Sometimes, I barely know that myself.

I want to go out, meet new people and dance like a fool. But then, while I’m out, I meet a cute guy, try to impress him and I turn into someone I’m not. Then, in reaction to losing myself, I give up on boys completely and have too many girls’ nights. And finally, I get so bored with staying in, constantly painting my nails and watching rom-coms that I’m dying to go out all over again.

I’m just stuck in this endless, confusing cycle of trying to find the right guy in all the wrong places while giving the wrong guys the wrong impressions and then wondering why I’m still looking for the right guy.

See what I’m saying? Now you’re just as confused as I am.

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