'Iron Man' director turning wine into water
Picture this: Daniel Craig wakes up in the Wild West with no idea who he is. He runs into a posse who doesn’t seem to take too kindly to him. Without warning or thought — solely on instinct — he methodically and efficiently kills every one of them.
Taking one of their horses, he rides into town and heads straight for the saloon. While inside, getting a drink and trying to will his mind to remember, he’s confronted by the jaw-droppingly gorgeous Olivia Wilde. She’s dumbfounded that he’s returned, but before she can warn him, every bit of manpower the town can muster barges in and locks him up.
As Craig’s character rattles his brain as to what’s going on, Harrison Ford shows up, apparently having heard the news of Craig’s imprisonment. Ford is adamant that Craig be given to him — there is some obvious history to these two, yet Craig can’t remember a thing.
This is shaping up to be a fantastically heady drama with an all-star cast in the vein of “No Country for Old Men” or “There Will be Blood.” Color me excited.
And then aliens invade. No, I’m serious. Aliens. Invade.
Unfortunately, this is not just a nightmare after watching “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” and “Independence Day” back-to-back. This comic book adaptation is really happening with the help of “Iron Man” director Jon Favreau and executive producer Steven “I-made-Jurassic-frigging-Park” Spielberg.
It’s called “Cowboys & Aliens,” and I assure you, despite being released in July, with the rest of the year behind it, this will be the most disappointing film of 2011, because despite how good it might be, it will never live up to how good it could be.
Let’s see, just off the top of my head: how about a proper Wild West movie with the same cast. Boom. Better idea.
Or how about a new James Bond? You’ve already got Craig; Olivia Wilde would make the best Bond girl and think of how cool a villain Harrison Ford would make. It’s certainly better than whatever MGM is slapping together for 2012 (that is, if MGM doesn’t go bankrupt again or we all die thanks to those crazy Mayans first.)
In fact, the only good thing I can say about this abomination is that it, mercifully, won’t be in 3D like the rest of the 2011 crop — or crap, if you share my views on the third dimension — is going to be.
