Say adios to foreign film
All foreign movies are rubbish. I know this and I’ve never seen a single one.
Now, I see you there, getting your pitchforks and torches, cautiously arming yourself with counter-points, yet still expecting me to try and pull the rug out from under you with a funny catch or a small loophole. Surely, you think, one movie was able to break through the hard, domestic shell I’ve built around myself.
But you’d be wrong.
There’s got to be a reason, you’re probably thinking to yourself right now.
“Was he abused by a French director at a young age?”
“Did a German curse his family name?”
There is a reason, but it’s neither of those.
The answer lies in something fundamental to foreign filmmaking: they’re in a different language.
Yes, I am a big, dumb American. It’s official.
But it’s so much more than patriotic arrogance. I realize I’m missing out. The best fight scenes are easily those found in Eastern martial arts movies, or so I’m told. And I’m sure France and Italy are able to craft some wonderful stories.
But when you go to a foreign film, you never get to watch the movie. You’re stuck reading subtitles. If I wanted to read, I’d have stayed home. Even when a juicy line of dialogue-turned-text hits my eyeballs, I most certainly miss the emotion on the actor’s face. I’m too busy staring at the bottom eighth of the screen.
And dubbed movies are even worse. My ears get bombarded with two different voices: one indecipherable and the other complete garbage -- when’s the last time you saw a recognizable name doing the voice work for a foreign film that wasn’t animated?
The only exception I can see is "Godzilla," and while I’ll admit, it is an awesome movie, it’s awesome because it’s so damn campy. That’s not something you want to hang your hat on.
Well, there is one more exception, but you’re not going to like it.
I have no problem with British films. They pass my one test: being in English. “28 Days Later,” “Children of Men” and “Casino Royale,” are all great films I’ve enjoyed that weren’t made by Americans.
Australia, you say? Uh… I’ll pass. The only things I can even think of to come out of Australia are "Crocodile Dundee," Steve Irwin and two of my cousins, and they’re all basically all the same thing –- minus the crocodiles for my cousins, they just talk that way.
If I could enjoy foreign language movies, I would, but immersion is a big part of my movie-going experience. Take me out of the moment and you’ve completely lost my attention and respect.
Sorry, I guess.
