Stop getting excited for 'Sonic the Hedgehog 4'
Another year, another attempt by Sega to sucker their oldest fans into buying a new "Sonic the Hedgehog" game. “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me,” right? I assume this same holds true when the fool count keeps going to three, then four, and so forth. "Sonic the Hedgehog" and its fans have proven time and time again, however, that they know no shame.
Surely things will be different this time, right? Sonic is finally going back to his roots! Sega has finally listened to the pleas from the masses and produced a game in the vein of the Genesis classics. 2-D game play, no unnecessary characters, no Sonic opening his big mouth (hopefully). I mean, come ON. They’ve got the checkerboard pattern on the hills and everything!
Every time I see or hear someone express genuine anticipation for “Sonic the Hedgehog 4,” a tiny aneurysm grows within my brain and eats away a small piece of it. They’re all falling for it again. Their gullibility pains me to the point that I feel compelled to help them redeem themselves. Perhaps they can finally break the cycle if they just paid attention to facts and trends.
Let us examine the first argument: the title “Sonic the Hedgehog 4” implies a return to form, an embrace of the aspects of the classic games fans revere. Nice try, Sega, but I won’t forget the abomination that was “Sonic the Hedgehog” from 2006 so easily. “Hey, we’re calling this one just ‘Sonic the Hedgehog,’ because we’re going back to what Sonic was all about, man.” Apparently Sonic was “all about” slippery and unwieldy platforming, horrendous loading times, roaming a pointless hub world to pick up missions from civilians, and bestiality between Sonic and a human girl.
Next: Sonic is finally returning to his 2-D roots. This is the exact same marketing tactic Sega used on us for last year’s “Sonic Unleashed.” How did that one turn out? You had to waste time roaming a hub world to pick up missions (again), to feel your momentum die every time you took a corner poorly or run into a wall and play the majority of the adventure as a werewolf version of the hedgehog that combined ho-hum beat-em-up action with slow, sluggish platforming.
The fans’ fervor indicates a bigger problem with the franchise than mere misguided hope, however: 'Sonic the Hedgehog' represents something much, much different than he did in the 20th century. He once was a simple, innocent video game character who needn’t do more than smirk, wag his finger and tap his toe impatiently to win you over. The “radical attitude” just doesn’t cut it in 2010. He is a byproduct of a bygone era, meant to remain permanently sidelined alongside Bubsy the bobcat and Gex the gecko as eternal reminders of how much games have matured.
You want to know the proper way to treat Sonic, the “secret formula” Sega has been trying to crack for the past decade? It’s no secret at all: stop making "Sonic the Hedgehog" games. When your former mortal enemy Nintendo treats your star mascot with more care and respect in a single game (“Super Smash Bros. Brawl”) than you have in ten years' worth of titles combined, it’s time to throw in the towel.
