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'Marmaduke' needs love too

THREE THINGS.

  1. On Tuesday morning, circa 7 a.m., I locked myself in my room. Something evidently pretty important inside the door broke or jammed or whatever, and after I closed it, it wouldn’t open. Roughest 11 minutes of my life. Jail must blow.

Anyway, this was clearly a first for me, and maybe for anyone ever. My roommates eventually freed me, mere seconds before asphyxiation / starvation / heatstroke / frostbite set in and killed me dead. The issue is this: this awful, ludicrous situation occurred on just the 25th day of the year. I punched a few numbers, and basic math tells me I’m destined to unintentionally imprison myself 14.6 times over the course of 12 months. I’ve already done it once, and I’m lucky to be breathing and all. 13.6 more? What if I’m home alone? What if we’re out of screwdrivers? 2011 and I are going to have some problems, I think.

  1. Tuesday was Oscar Nominations Day, a holiday on par with Christmas and Independence Day and perhaps even Arbor Day. However, like most other holidays, Tuesday was underwhelming and left me sobbing in a corner, questioning the meaning of my existence. Only successful films get nominated! How American is that? This is the same country that green-lit a third (and probably fourth, fifth and fiftieth) "Transformers" movie.

I mean, let’s be realistic for a second: with 10 Best Picture nominees per year now, can’t they designate a spot for a terrible movie? They can even have a lottery to choose it. Throw the name of every awful 2010 movie into a gigantic hat and pick one. I don’t care how you do it, Academy, but please, please do it.

What I’m trying to say is, more "Dear John."

  1. Do people really watch the Hallmark Channel, or is it just there?

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